Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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