I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
