I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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