I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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