can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
