i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My vagina just clenched in fear
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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