I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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