Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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