Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
