Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
