I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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