I faked an abortion last night.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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