There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
