I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
