He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
