How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
kristin has been a bad kristin
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
