Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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