I heard we made out
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
