I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i love accidental penises.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
