and you said cock pushups were impossible
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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