Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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