Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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