I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
