i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
3 2 1 whiskey
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
