Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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