when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
