I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
