I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
