It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
