On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
