she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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