I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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