I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
