He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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