You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
