I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Vodka?
Forever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
