batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
