I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
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Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
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I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.