Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does