somebody snuck up and got me drunk
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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