If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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