Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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