I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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