I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
