Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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