Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So much Jack, so little girl.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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