I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
