I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
