as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
