You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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