im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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