I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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