We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
