I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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