Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
